The Walls I Put Up...

I find myself coming back to the same feelings, and thought processes at various times in my life. I long to be one of those "heroes of the faith", a "woman of God"; a person whose faith is seemingly unwavering, and basically has this whole life thing down. I, however, frequently feel like a trainwreck , with life speeding out of my control, and no emergency brake to slow me down.
Let me clarify, I know that no one really has life down to a science, even if they seem to, my past experiences have proved that to be glaringly true. At the same time, this knowledge hasn't made it easier for me to grasp. To cope with this, I think that I have developed a mask for myself. One that frequently puts up a wall when it comes to a discussion of spiritual things, afraid of being vulnerable.
This is big baggage for me, definitely like the burden that Christian carries on his back, in the Pilgrim's Progress. My head knows that, like Christian, at the cross, I can let this go, can be free of that weight, and able to truly revel in the freedom that Christ has given me. My heart will not accept this truth so easily, though.
This wall that I put up with other believers, has also had the affect of building a wall between me and my Savior. However, this has, in the past, caused me to doubt the validity of my faith, and if this whole "Christian" thing was really how I wanted to do my life. After a somedebate between my head and my heart, I have come back to the realization, that yeah, Jesus is who He says He is, and that life without Him, is truly meaningless.
The doubts I have struggled with, have helped me grow, from a girl who has always belived, to an adult, who is secure in the knowledge that this is real. The knowledge that I was made to love, and to be loved by the creator of the universe.... that, although I will never be perfect, His love is, He will never change.... that He desires to have a relationship with me.... and that He can take me... with all of my insecurities, all of my flaws, and turn them into something beautiful.... and valuable.... The knowledge, that I truly want this relationship, and this unfailing love....
So, even though the past three years have been riddled with various painful, life changing struggles, I know now more then ever that I am ready to grow, and I am trying to give it my all. I am trying to let down those walls, with God's help, and become part of a community who are all striving for the same things; to allow myself to be more open about my spiritual walk. To take the abundance of love, and compassion that God has blessed me with, and use it as a ministry.
I know that I will continue to struggle, and that life will never be easy, but my struggles consistantly draw me closer to my Jesus. <3


"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." — Corrie ten Boom

"Grandpa, where are you?" Was the first thing the little girl called as she entered
the house.
"Honey, please don't yell, Grandpa is very sick, remember?" Her mommy asked.
The little girl nodded and held tightly to her parents' hands. They led her through
the house that was too quiet, Grandpa always called out for her to come to his office as
soon as they got to Grandpa's house. It was very hard for the little girl to resist running
down the hall to Grandpa's office, but she could tell that there was something really bad
was happening.
When they got to the door of Grandpa's office, she looked in and saw that there
was something different about the room. There was a new bed in there, and it didn't look
very comfortable. Grandpa wasn't at his desk like usual, now he was lying in the bed. It
made the little girl very sad to see him like that, because he looked very small and tired.
This time there was no music playing, and, for the first time ever, Grandpa didn't
call her his sweetheart when she came into the room. He didn't even open his eyes. The
little girl started to cry, and her daddy picked her up and cuddled her close to him. That
was when she noticed that her daddy and mommy were crying too.
"Why doesn't Grandpa wake up?" The little girl asked.
"He's awake, but he is too tired to open his eyes." Answered her daddy.
"Why don't you go and give him a kiss?" Said her mommy.
The little girl's daddy let her down, and she walked over to Grandpa. When she
reached his side, she stood on her tiptoes and looked at his face. Then she knew what her
parents were trying to tell her.
"Mommy and Daddy, is Grandpa going to Jesus?" She asked.
"Yes." Her daddy said.
"Grandpa, I love you very much, and I'll see you soon." She whispered into her
Grandpa's ear.
She kissed Grandpa on the cheek, and then her mommy took her out to lay down
on the couch. Her mommy left, and then she listened while the pastor prayed with her
parents and her grandma. Then she heard them singing Amazing Grace, which was
Grandpa's favorite song.
She cried herself to sleep, and woke up a long time later. She heard her Grandma
wail, and her parents soft sobs. She ran down the hall to see what was the matter, but, when
she got to the doorway of Grandpa's office, she stopped. There was a strange lady
folding Grandpa's hands across his chest. People crying, and hugging each other.
When someone finally noticed her, Mommy took her out to the living room and
explained that Grandpa was with Jesus. The little girl began to sob, and her mommy just
hugged her and kept whispering that Grandpa was with Jesus. The little girl nodded,
because she remembered that, when she told Grandpa that she had asked Jesus into her
heart, he had told her that they would never say goodbye, only see you later.
She didn't know what that meant, but Grandpa told her that since they believed in Jesus, and all he had done, that even when they died, they would see each other again in Heaven. Now, the little girl told her mommy and daddy what Grandpa had said, and they hugged her, as they told her this was true.