I find myself coming back to the same feelings, and thought processes at various times in my life. I long to be one of those "heroes of the faith", a "woman of God"; a person whose faith is seemingly unwavering, and basically has this whole life thing down. I, however, frequently feel like a trainwreck , with life speeding out of my control, and no emergency brake to slow me down.
Let me clarify, I know that no one really has life down to a science, even if they seem to, my past experiences have proved that to be glaringly true. At the same time, this knowledge hasn't made it easier for me to grasp. To cope with this, I think that I have developed a mask for myself. One that frequently puts up a wall when it comes to a discussion of spiritual things, afraid of being vulnerable.
This is big baggage for me, definitely like the burden that Christian carries on his back, in the Pilgrim's Progress. My head knows that, like Christian, at the cross, I can let this go, can be free of that weight, and able to truly revel in the freedom that Christ has given me. My heart will not accept this truth so easily, though.
This wall that I put up with other believers, has also had the affect of building a wall between me and my Savior. However, this has, in the past, caused me to doubt the validity of my faith, and if this whole "Christian" thing was really how I wanted to do my life. After a somedebate between my head and my heart, I have come back to the realization, that yeah, Jesus is who He says He is, and that life without Him, is truly meaningless.
The doubts I have struggled with, have helped me grow, from a girl who has always belived, to an adult, who is secure in the knowledge that this is real. The knowledge that I was made to love, and to be loved by the creator of the universe.... that, although I will never be perfect, His love is, He will never change.... that He desires to have a relationship with me.... and that He can take me... with all of my insecurities, all of my flaws, and turn them into something beautiful.... and valuable.... The knowledge, that I truly want this relationship, and this unfailing love....
So, even though the past three years have been riddled with various painful, life changing struggles, I know now more then ever that I am ready to grow, and I am trying to give it my all. I am trying to let down those walls, with God's help, and become part of a community who are all striving for the same things; to allow myself to be more open about my spiritual walk. To take the abundance of love, and compassion that God has blessed me with, and use it as a ministry.
I know that I will continue to struggle, and that life will never be easy, but my struggles consistantly draw me closer to my Jesus. <3
"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." — Corrie ten Boom
